Triangular Theory of Love

Have you ever asked yourself what makes up a good relationship? Well psychologist Robert Sternberg certainly has, and out of this thinking he gives us… a triangle! He calls it "The Triangular Theory of Love”.

It has made for an interesting topic to chat about at house parties, on dates and after a few glasses of wine when third wheeling a dinner with friends in relationships.

Let’s visualise his triangle: imagine on each tip we have three different aspects of what comprises love in a relationship:

1. Intimacy: It’s built through those deep chats on those long road trips, 2am heart-to-hearts or watching the sunset on the beach after soaking up the sun’s goodness. What characterises intimacy is emotional closeness and vulnerability, it’s where the relationship really grows its roots.
2. Passion: The spark, chemistry and je ne sais quoi. It’s the desire to be with someone, whether it be sexually, hearing their voice, catching a move with them or co-working in a digital-nomad-saturated cafe in Lisbon.
3. Commitment: This one is where love becomes a verb: more about action, and less about emotion. It’s not only marital. You’re deciding to be with someone through thick-n-thin, to work on the relationship, and see to it through.

We can plot our relationship on this triangle with varying degrees of each points. The shape of the triangle dictates what type of relationship we have, and the size of the triangle is the magnitude of the love.

Let’s dive into some interesting combinations (and skip the “holy grail” trio… as perfection is boring):

• Intimacy + Passion is intense and exciting, all hormones and heart. Enjoy the wild ride, as it’s not built to last. Don’t be surprised if it ends with heartbreak or with a dramatic “it’s not you, it’s me” speech.
• Intimacy + Commitment says "I'm here, I see you, I've got you". It’s a quiet treasure. For those who are lucky enough to find it, wise enough to recognise it and dedicated enough to nurture it are also those who vouch that it’s one of the very best things in life.
• Passion + Commitment is about as deep as a puddle in the Sahara desert. The best way to think about this head-scratcher is in the feeling of “love at first sight”. Lovers in this bucket are blinded by desire and jump right into commitment without cultivating intimacy (i.e. skipping the “getting to know you” step). You can expect the relationship to fizzle out faster than a New Years resolution, and in a bland and unremarkable way.

Now — as I write this I’m sat in Mimi Kakushi in Dubai, Japanese bar inspired by the jazz scene in 1920s Osaka, sipping an espresso martini. I can't help but reflect on my own triangle. So if you'll excuse me, I have some exploring to do…

✌️, Andreas