Building intimacy in relationships by listening to bids for your attention

Imagine this… your partner walks into the room and says, "I just saw a trailer for a new sci-fi movie." They don’t say anything else about it. Dr John Gottman calls this a “bid for your attention” in his research on relationships.

How do you respond?

You have two choices:

1. Stop what you’re doing and ask them about it, or tell them you’re excited to watch the movie together (“turning towards” the “bid”), or,
2. mumble “oh cool” without looking at them and continue strolling on your phone (“turning away” from the “bid”).

What about if they sigh heavily whilst staring at their laptop? A mention of a new restaurant they’re really excited to go to? A new project at work? An idea they discovered whilst reading Nietzsche?

Take those opportunities to show your kindness and respect for the other person. Whether it be a partner, friend or your little cousin. If it’s important for them, it should be important to you.

You have the choice: do you decide to open the door to intimacy, or re-inforce the invisible wall between you? Listen for bids, and next time you hear one, turn toward it.